Untangled Book Summary

Book Summary

15 min

Audio available

Brief Summary

Young women, like anyone else, are sure to grow and evolve at their own individual pace. While we cannot speed up or slow down this process as we would like to, we, as parents, guardians, and teachers, play an instrumental role in shaping the lives of these soon-to-be adults.

By encouraging adolescent girls to develop their independence, take care of themselves both physically and mentally, and navigate social decisions with a sound and logical frame of mind, we give our teenagers the best possible chance of success as they transition into womanhood.

Ideally, even into adulthood, the young women in our lives continue to look to us (their mentors) for guidance and advice as they move through their personal journey.

About the Author

Dr. Lisa Damour was born in Denver, Colorado in 1970. After graduating from the University of Michigan with a PhD in clinical psychology, Dr. Damour started a private psychotherapy practice, which she continues to operate to this day. Dr. Damour is also a senior advisor to the Schubert Center for Child Studies at Case Western Reserve University and she serves as the executive director of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls.

In addition to writing books, Dr. Damour publishes a weekly column focusing on adolescence for The New York Times.

Topics

Parenting

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Key Insights

No doubt about it, teenagers are chock-full of intense, rapid-cycling emotions. One positive consequence of this tendency towards strong feelings is that adolescents are also more likely to be highly in tune with (and responsive to) the emotions of their peers.

So, as we dive into the immensely complex brain activity of teenagers, we must saddle up to read about the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. With Dr. Lisa Damour as our guide, we can enter into this unknown territory prepared, with the needs of emotional, highly impulsive teenagers in mind. Specifically, women.

Untangled assures us that there are, indeed, biological and psychological reasons for why young women behave the way they do and the text allows us a unique opportunity to harness the power of positive feelings.

Privacy

If you start to notice that your teenage (or soon-t0-be teenage) daughter seems to be spending more time in her room, avoiding social interaction with the family, and generally retreating inward, you are not alone.

While this sudden shift in behavior can be scary for parents, it is actually part of a very normal process that your daughter is undergoing. Without even being consciously aware of it, she is preparing for the independence of adulthood by practicing disconnection from her family.

If you start to notice your teenager withdraw in this way, be direct. Tell her that you are upset to see her self-isolating and that you want her to be more mindful about the actions that she takes.

A good way to ensure that the teenager is not completely cutting herself off from the family is by setting up routines. For instance, planning family dinners every night or a weekly movie that you all watch together offers a reminder that participation in events with parents and siblings is more than just optional--it’s an expectation.

The Tribe

So, if your teenage girl is withdrawing from you and the rest of the family, you might wonder, why is she not also disconnecting from her friends? The reality is, at this point in life, your adolescent needs her friends now more than ever.

Having a social network helps a young adult gain independence, learn key social skills, and begin to understand how to address conflict in a healthy and productive way.

Sometimes the pendulum swings too far on this one and the teenager becomes obsessed with popularity and maintaining a particular image. If this happens, it is in the best interest of the parent to intervene and encourage the teenager to be strong, but also friendly.

Explain to your teen that it is possible to be popular and not well-liked, so the goal should be to be well-liked because you are friendly, not because you put other people down. How others perceive you (as popular or as a loner, for instance) is not within your control. Therefore, it is not worth investing the energy into worrying about it.