Hold Me Tight Book Summary

Book Summary

15 min

Brief Summary

While no one can claim to have all the answers to the multi-faceted conundrum that is human relationships, a few key strategies for success can help couples navigate their emotional path in a healthy and productive way. Through avoiding blame, addressing trauma, and displaying vulnerability, long-term couples can recapture the connection they felt at the beginning, when romance was fresh and new. And for couples who already feel that their relationship is on solid ground, there is always room for improvement in these key areas.

About the Author

Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, was born in 1947 in the United Kingdom. A Canadian psychologist, author, and couples therapist, Dr. Johnson is best known for her work with bonding, romantic relationships, and attachment. Her focus has been on a concept called emotionally focused therapy. Dr. Johnson has written several books on this subject including, Attachment Theory in Practice (2018), Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors (2002), and Created for Connection (2016).

Dr. Johnson, an avid fan of both Argentine tango and kayaking, currently resides in British Columbia with her husband.

Topics

Sex & Relationships

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Key Insights

Relationships, by their very nature, are complicated. And yet, they are one of the main pathways for people to add value to their lives. For this reason, human connection is often worth the complexities that define it--nuances that lead to both joy and frustration, sometimes both at once.

As with any unfamiliar territory, it is helpful to have a guide with you as you navigate the road. This is where Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, comes in. Through a series of personal case studies as well as a wealth of research on EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy), Dr. Johnson leads readers on an emotional journey that ultimately re-shapes maladaptive patterns and strengthens relational bonds.

Primal Panic

A few years ago, a major publication released an op-ed that was titled something along the lines of “My wife divorced me because I didn’t do the dishes.” As readers combed through the article, they discovered that the title was a misnomer, in a sense. Really, the relationship in question had deep-rooted issues, but, when frustrations reached a boiling point, the final marital blow-up related to doing the dishes rather than a radically important topic.

Why?

Because when things are already very rocky and patience has worn thin, it takes little to push us over the edge. So, no, your partner is not irrationally preoccupied with the hair you left in the shower drain. Instead, he or she is probably worried that they are losing you emotionally, and they are already panicking about the state of the relationship. In cases like this, what seems to be a little thing can be a tipping point in a union that is precariously close to the edge.

This reaction is one of fear more than anger.

Different people feel and experience emotions differently so while some of us may retreat into ourselves or our work when we are worried about our connection to someone, others lash out over minutiae. Others become clingy and demand validation, which can add further pressure to a relationship that is already strained.

On Blame

Try an experiment. Next time the milk goes bad in your household and is left in the refrigerator, gage your spouse or partner’s reaction. Do they simply go to the store and buy a new gallon or do they lay into you--or another family member--about who drank the last of the milk?

If your partner is quick to blame you for the demise of your household staple, they may be falling victim to a natural human urge: finding fault in others.

Let’s examine another example.

Jim and Pam spend the week together. After, Pam tells Jim that she enjoyed their time together to which Jim responds with a sneer, likely because he was upset about work. At this point, Pam gets aggravated because her attempt at supporting her husband has led to dismissive behavior and the situation drastically escalates. Just like that, a well-intended comment becomes the front lines of a marital battle.

So, how do we avoid explosive behavior?

By recognizing the patterns. In this case, as...