Eight Dates Book Summary

Book Summary

By Dr. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

15 min

Audio available

Brief Summary

On these eight dates, you will slowly learn more and more about the most important features of your relationship and as two parts of a couple. The purpose is to find yourself on the same page and understand how to continue growing and evolving in the most efficient and understanding way. Start with trust and commitment and work your way through conflict, sex, money, family, growth, spirituality, and dreams. On each date, be curious and open minded and come prepared with questions and explanations. Make these dates a chance to brave and venture outside of your comfort zone, divulging your greatest fears, weaknesses, and hopes— there is no use hiding any parts of yourself on these dates. If you put in the effort now, your relationship will thank you.

About the Author

Dr. John Gottman is a psychological researcher of stability and divorce prediction. He has conducted 40 years of research on thousands of couples. He is one of the top 10 most influential therapists of the past quarter-century according to Psychotherapy Networker and the author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books. He is Professor Emiritus of Psychology at the University of Washington where he founded the “Love Lab”

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is the co-founder of Affective Software Inc. is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. She is a highly respected clinical psychologist and an expert advisor on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She creates The Art of Science of Love weekend workshops for couples. She has a private practice in the Seattle area.

Topics

Sex & Relationships

Eight Dates Book Summary Preview

What You’ll Learn

How to plan memorable and life-changing dates.
How to make date night into a place for communication about easy-to-avoid conversations.
How to bring fun, creativity, honesty, and openness back into your relationship.

Who Is This For

Longterm couples who don’t feel on the same page as their partner and are looking to reconnect.
People looking to start acting on their deepest dreams as a couple.
Couples trying to get to know each other deeply and intimately.
Anyone interested in learning about the common pitfalls in any partnership.

Key Insights

Psychological researchers John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, a married couple themselves, found that those relationships that dedicated time to important conversations found lasting love and avoided the emotional drifting that happens between longterm couples. They propose a series of eight dates to address the essential conversations any couple needs to have from money to sex to dreams. By the end of the dates, they argue couples will regain a sense of connection and intimacy and be prepared for a life-long partnership.

Before starting, figure out a way to make date night routine and ready yourself by opening your mind and heart.

Although a regular date-night sounds great, in reality, life gets in the way. Whether you have to find a babysitter or struggle coordinating available nights, it can be hard to find time for them alongside work and family life.

However, the authors argue that date nights deserve to be a priority too. By setting aside time to work on your relationship and connect with your partner, you’re helping to maintain the love at the center of your life.

You may be tempted to block out an hour to silently watch television on the couch with your partner, but the authors emphasize that there are much better ways to make use of this precious time. A date worth having is one where there’s ample opportunity to connect, explore, and remind you why you’re sharing a life together. It is important to take them seriously.

As you embark on the following eight dates, think of them as a first date: a chance to get to know your partner anew. Most importantly, make sure you’re going into them with a genuine interest, open heart, and curiosity. The authors advise mentally preparing for each date by reminding yourself of the importance of each conversation and reviewing some questions to keep the dialogue flowing.

On the first date, get on the same page about trust and commitment.

Commitment and trust are arguably the most important part of any relationship. Commitment means choosing another person regardless of the circumstances and finding a way to express this choosing effectively. On this date, the authors explain how you can learn more about your partner’s ideas on the subject and in turn, how to meet their needs.

Before the date, prepare by thinking about what commitment means to you. How do you know if someone is committed? How do you know you can trust them? Think back to your family growing up. Did this affect your idea of commitment? Also, consider things your...