Come As You Are Book Summary

Come As You Are Book Summary Preview

Key Insights

Sex is a highly nuanced topic and it is also a very individual one, but, as a society, we often talk about it in a group-focused way. However, Come as You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski asks us to consider a new approach to our conversations about sex. Rather than generalizing what we feel we should or should not be doing in terms of sexual practices, Nagoski encourages us to develop a thorough understanding of the biology and psychology surrounding sex and our physiological responses to it. 

Nagoski cautions readers not to worry if you think you are having too much sex. Or too little. Or if your sexual preferences have changed over time. Or if your sexual personality has shifted. A key part of a successful erotic life is being able to recognize cues in our bodies and our minds, then leveraging these into highly pleasurable experiences through open dialogue with both our partners and ourselves.

Homology

It is a safe bet that at some point in your life, you have questioned the purpose of nipples on men, whether you have spoken the words out loud or simply held them in your mind.

The long and short of it is this: men have nipples because women have them.

There is a biological principle called homology which stipulates that every human being begins with the same anatomical parts. These parts simply arrange themselves differently from person to person.

This is the reason why, for the first six weeks of in utero development, it is impossible to identify differences in sex.

We are all cut from the same evolutionary cloth, but as we evolve into the fullest version of ourselves, our bodies--and our psyches--we experience change.

Sexual Personality

Following the birth of a child, some women experience a marked change in their sex drive and sometimes even their sexual preferences. 

Consider Laurie, one of the author’s clients. While Laurie had always enjoyed sex with her husband in the past, she found that after giving birth to a baby, she was no longer excited to engage in intercourse with her spouse. Instead, she started to prefer pleasuring herself solo with a vibrator as opposed to penetrative sex. Laurie was concerned about this sudden development and felt that there was something wrong with her.

But really, nothing was physically wrong. 

Much like your standard Honda CRV, your brain has both a sexual gas pedal and a brake system. If a threat arises (such as a burst of anxiety), your body slams on the brakes, and your ability to become aroused at that moment is diminished.

In Laurie’s case, she could be associating penetrative sex with the trauma of giving birth, or she could be experiencing anxiety around the idea of feeling like she needs to be “up” for partnered sex when she is exhausted from raising her baby. Both issues would lead to a nervous system response that significantly limits arousal.

Other causes of a ‘slam on the brakes’ response? 

A lack of trust in your partner or feeling pressure to perform.

On Context

At the beginning of every...

Please login to access the full text and audio summary for FREE

Users get access to two FREE summaries. Become a pro user for unlimited access.

Login

Congrats! You've unlocked a 50% discount. Use coupon code WELCOME for 50% off Sumizeit Premium.

Save time with unlimited access to text, audio, and video summaries of the world's best-selling books.
Become a pro user