Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married Book Summary

Book Summary

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Brief Summary

In order to have a successful and long-lasting marriage, you must understand that the feelings of heightened passion during the ‘honeymoon stage’ will pass quickly and issues and conflicts will inevitably arise. To counteract this, you must be prepared by knowing your partner’s love language and apology language. Practicing forgiveness and preplanning finances will also help to prevent devastating marriage conflicts.

About the Author

Gary Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. He is most known for his The Five Love Languages series based on human relationships. He works as a senior associate at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. He is a graduate of Moody Bible Institute and gained a master’s in anthropology from Wheaton College and from Wake Forest University. He received a Master of Religious Education and Doctor of Philosophy degrees in adult education from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

His book, The Five Love Language, has sold over 11 million copies in English and ranks in the top 5 books on the New York Times bestsellers list. His “The Five Love Languages” teaches people that love can be expressed through one of five ways. He is the writer of The Five Languages of Apology with Dr. Jennifer Thomas, about receiving and giving apologies. He also wrote The 5 Languages in the Workspace with Dr. Paul White, which applies the concept to work relationships. He is a worldwide speaker on topics such as marriage, family and relationships and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations.

He has two children with Karolyn Chapman.

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Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married Book Summary Preview

Key Insights

Marriage is not always easy. Many people go into it thinking they know their partner through and through. Then they come to find out that the phrase ‘I do’ can change a relationship in drastic and unexpected ways.

Falling in love is an experience full of passion and excitement. But, marriage is not always like that. The heightened feelings start to deplete and many people are left feeling alone and isolated. So, how do you recover from that?

“People do not get married planning to divorce. Divorce is the result of a lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as teammates in an intimate relationship.”- Gary Chapman

Gary Chapman has been a marriage counselor for decades and in his book, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married,” he shares his insights on how to work as a team, practice observation of your partner, and overcome common romantic conflicts.

After The Two Year Mark

When you fall in love with someone, the emotions are heightened. Even during the first stage of marriage, your mental, physical, and emotional self are all full of happy thoughts and disillusioned ideas about the person you’re with.

But, when these emotions begin to fade, suddenly, all of your partner’s flaws come to the forefront. This can make the transition into the second stage, or the non-euphoric stage, of marriage difficult for couples to handle.

When you are in the ‘honeymoon stage,’ your physical body reacts by releasing chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen, which are categorized as sex hormones.

Your brain also releases oxytocin and dopamine, which activate the reward center of the brain. These chemicals are associated with pleasure.

All of these hormone surges make a person feel happy, giddy, and eager. However, some of these symptoms actually are quite similar to the evolutionary fight-or-flight situation, so, in turn, these feelings of love can actually create disillusions and clouded thinking.

When you’re in love, you may also experience an increased heart-rate, ‘butterflies’ in your stomach, or a flushed face. These are all short-term symptoms, but they can reoccur.

All of these symptoms make it hard for a person to clearly see their partner as they are. It makes it easy to look over a person’s faults.

These symptoms last for about the first two years and then subside.

People Love Differently

Not everyone shows love in the same way. And, the way someone shows love usually stems from their upbringing.

When people jump into marriage, they assume that their partner shows and feels love in the same way as them, but that’s rarely the case. This can cause a lot of issues surrounding miscommunication.

It’s important that partners become skilled in showing their partner the right kind of love based on their preferred love language.

The love languages as described in Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages” are:

Affirmation - This is verbal admiration for your partner such as a compliment.

Acts of Services - This is doing something for your partner such as cleaning their car for them.

Receiving Gifts - This...